Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Photography / Artist Official Beta Tester Heather Ann SkinnerFemale/United States Recent Activity
Deviant for 4 Years
3 Month Core Membership
Statistics 1,843 Deviations 3,039 Comments 44,543 Pageviews

Random Favourites

Weight

Journal Entry: Wed Sep 23, 2015, 1:51 AM
I think that I can finally put a description on what I've been feeling for the past six months.

Depression is weight. Its a heaviness that settles in the middle of your heart and spreads through your entire being. Even when your whole focus is on something singularly happy, there's still this strange heaviness that pulls you down. Sometimes its easier to ignore it, or pretend its not there. But at your most quiet, your most still, it suddenly overpowers you to the point of suffocation. You'll lean back against your headboard about to plunge into the pages of a book when the weight suddenly pins you down and reminds you whose really in charge. Sometimes an entire month can go by without you really ever acknowledging its there until a trigger explodes the terrible weight across your chest and drags you deep into itself again.
You try to overcome it. You try to do right by yourself and get well again, but the great heaviness just seems too great to lift on your own. You tentatively reach out to friends to see if their constant love can lift it from your heart, only to find that its stronger. Its stronger that even the purest love. And then the fear starts to pair with the weight, and its a perfect pair indeed. Perfectly matched to each other. One compliments the other so exquisitely that you begin to understand that you may never truly recover from this. Perhaps one day the weight will lighten to a whisper, but it will always remain in your heart, prepared to pounce at the slightest trigger; the slightest hint of weakness.
I am a broken person indeed. And the worst thing is that I broke myself. I led myself down the path to the scaffold. No one else put me here save me. I've lost my dearest, oldest friend, and I cant even bring myself to have her back...and its mostly a terror at this weight. The barest hint of a trigger and I suffocate. Isn't the loss of what could be, the loss of a love worth it if it means getting to keep the love that has been in your life so long you cant function without it?
I seclude myself with what used to bring me joy, trying to stoke the fires on my passion to life. But I find the barest hint of embers compared to what used to be. And it terrifies me. If not even my art can bring me joy, then how can I ever hope to lighten this weight in the center of me? If music is utterly excruciating, then what balm do I have for my soul?
I'm listless. I go about in a daze, dutifully playing the game of life with no enjoyment left in me. Its a constant chore of reminding myself that it gets better, that there is no way that this will go on. Reminding me that my pain is nothing compared to what would happen should the weight win. That this shell of an existence is worth even lost breath to pain if it spares others the heartache of this weight on their hearts.

My father died from a cocaine overdose, and for the first time in five years, I envy him. I envy him the habit that could at least explain the despicable act of taking himself away from us. Sure, we can blame ourselves to a point, but in the end, it was his addiction, and his alone.
But the victory of this weight is to doom them to a life of a piece of the same weight, and I really just don't have it in me to do that to those that mean everything to me, even if they are no longer in my life.
So that means trying to truly find a way to live with the whole of it on my own.
Change is on the wind.
It has to be.
Turn by OlMountainWoman


December 29, 2015

I think that I am doing better. My triggers occur less often, and I smile a tad more. This may be because of a promotion I received at work, leading to my hours tripling, or an injury that I received, which has taken a lot of my focus. Either way, at least the terror and pain isn't as severe as it was. I'm enjoying my art a little more, and music isn't as painful. We shall see, but I do think that 2016 will be better for me, seeing as the past three years haven't gone so well.

You guys are all amazing people, who make me try just a little harder to make it through <3

Delicate Balance by OlMountainWoman


This Journal Skin was designed by Night-Beast
  • Mood: Yearning
  • Reading: Waiter Rant ( for the fourth time)

deviantID

OlMountainWoman
Heather Ann Skinner
Artist | Photography
United States
Stock account :iconsimbabadass:



I am a very diverse person, but also a very selective one. I love every genera of literature, film, and music, but I'm selective about what I enjoy within each area.







"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
- Helen Keller
Interests

Visitors

:iconsophiekoryn:
SophieKoryn
Feb 13, 2016
4:54 pm
:iconsilpius:
Silpius
Feb 13, 2016
11:21 am
:iconreal-touch:
real-touch
Feb 13, 2016
10:39 am
:iconkackam:
KackaM
Feb 13, 2016
8:35 am
:iconlenore-hug:
Lenore-Hug
Feb 13, 2016
7:48 am

Thank You and You're Welcome

I see every single comment, but instead of replying, I usually just go straight to your page and watch, llama, or fav a bunch. I usually visit about 20-30 pages a day or so. If you're offended that I don't reply to page comments, I am sorry, but I believe that my method is a much better way of replying.

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconsophiekoryn:
SophieKoryn Featured By Owner 3 hours ago  Student General Artist
Thanks so much for the fav!!!! :aww:
Reply
:iconsilpius:
Silpius Featured By Owner 6 hours ago
Thank you
Reply
:iconmypeanutgallery:
MYPeanutGallery Featured By Owner 8 hours ago
Amor de Primavera by KmyGraphic

Thanks for the Fave!
Reply
:iconntpdang:
ntpdang Featured By Owner 10 hours ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much for the faves and watch! :D
Reply
:icono-gosh:
O-Gosh Featured By Owner 12 hours ago
Thank you very much for the fave :rose:
Reply
:iconparallel-pam:
parallel-pam Featured By Owner 12 hours ago   Photographer
thanks for the :+fav:s :-)
Reply
:iconlecristal:
lecristal Featured By Owner 12 hours ago  Professional Digital Artist
:iconwinterllama1plz::iconwinterllama2plz::iconwinterllama3plz:
:iconwinterllama4plz::iconwinterllama5plz::iconwinterllama6plz:
:iconwinterllama7plz::iconwinterllama8plz::iconwinterllama9plz:
:iconwinterllama10plz::iconwinterllama11plz::iconwinterllama12plz:
:iconwinterllama13plz::iconwinterllama14plz::iconwinterllama15plz:
:iconwinterllama16plz::iconwinterllama17plz::iconwinterllama18plz:
thank you for the lama my friend

I appreciate it a lot Lama
Reply
:iconlucreciamortishia:
LucreciaMortishia Featured By Owner 17 hours ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for the fav :blowkiss:
Reply
:iconhobbes1976:
Hobbes1976 Featured By Owner 18 hours ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Hello and good morning Heather,
thanks a lot for this many favorites and the llama.
It is a pleasure for me 
Reply
:iconolearysfunphotos:
olearysfunphotos Featured By Owner 19 hours ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you very much for the favorites :)
Reply
:iconwolftraz:
wolftraz Featured By Owner 22 hours ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks. :)
Reply
:iconserenitywiredesigns:
SerenityWireDesigns Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thank you for the fav!
I'm glad you liked my pendant:)
Reply
:iconsara-satellite:
sara-satellite Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Just Hello by KmyGraphic Thanks for watching me! :aww:
Reply
:iconpageturner19:
Pageturner19 Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks so much for the fave! 
Reply
:iconchiandra4u:
ChIandra4U Featured By Owner 1 day ago   General Artist
Hi Heather,
Thank you for the watch and Llama !
I hope you do enjoy my art
now and in the future.
Greetings
Reply
:iconjolabrodnica:
jolabrodnica Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thank you so much for all! :heart:
Reply
:iconseek-and-hide:
seek-and-hide Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Dear Heather,

Many thanks for your precious support. Emoticon: Bow 

Mayumi
Reply
:iconfeed-me-cookiez:
feed-me-cookiez Featured By Owner 1 day ago   Photographer
Thank you so much for all the :+fav:s and watch!



:iconmv1plz::iconmv2plz::iconmv3plz::iconmv4plz::iconmv5plz::iconmv6plz::iconmv7plz::iconmv8plz:
Reply
:iconcleo-feline:
Cleo-Feline Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks a lot for the llama and especially for your watch Llama jump  Huggle! 
Reply
:iconicarolajn:
icarolajn Featured By Owner Edited 1 day ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Aww, thank you so much for the faves and for the watch! :heart: :D
Reply
:iconadrianamusettidavila:
adrianamusettidavila Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Professional Traditional Artist
Thanks so much for the+fav King Frog and the Magic flowers by adrianamusettidavila Hug 
Reply
:iconbeniyorunii:
beniyorunii Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the fav!
Reply
:iconjeanbeanxoxo:
jeanbeanxoxo Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for the :+fav:! :aww:
Reply
:iconsweetlylou:
Sweetlylou Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you very much for the :+fav: onHelp ! - ocean creature - by Sweetlylou :iconcheerplz::iconbugplz:
Reply
:iconsweetlylou:
Sweetlylou Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you very much for the :+fav: on The prey by Sweetlylou :iconhappykitty-plz::iconloveheartpls:
Reply
Add a Comment: